Des Moines Police having a normal one
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
If snakes were wide
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Leaving the Barbers like
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
You got this…
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.