On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.