Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…