[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You Might Also Like
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
#CoronaOutbreak
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Cats (2019)