My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.