Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
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Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.