everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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Get in loser we’re going crying
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.