My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
You Might Also Like
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.