Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
6. me as a lawyer
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.