I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?