30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
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My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
jesus, what did this guy do
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.