They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
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Penguins walking in 5x speed
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
my sentiments exactly
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Dance like you’re not the father