Funny Tweeter

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Page of Vodkantots's best tweets

@Vodkantots : When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, "I refuse to accept this." Then walk away forever.

@Vodkantots: Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k

@Vodkantots: I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I'd toss in my tampon.

@Vodkantots: My psychiatrist just described me as "not classically bipolar," so apparently, I can't even do mental illness right.

@Vodkantots: I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

@Vodkantots: A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."

@Vodkantots: Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you're "cool as shit," why is that a compliment?

@Vodkantots: Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@Vodkantots: Listen, guys. I've had two kids.

Your promise to "destroy" it is no good here.

@Vodkantots: If a guy doesn't return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn't, but it might be.