@Vodkantots: Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you're "cool as shit," why is that a compliment?
@Vodkantots: Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.
@Vodkantots: Listen, guys. I've had two kids.
Your promise to "destroy" it is no good here.
@Vodkantots: If a guy doesn't return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.
It probably isn't, but it might be.
@Vodkantots: I've learned everything I need to know about stupid people from stupid people.
@Vodkantots: Americans keep saying they want to move to Canada.
As if Canada were even a real place.
@Vodkantots: At this point in my life, my biological clock isn't so much ticking as it is knitting.
@Vodkantots: [on first date]
Him: What's your sign?
Him: You mean Virgo?
Me: I mean your stupid fucking questions are making me dizzy.