@Vodkantots: Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.
@Vodkantots: Listen, guys. I've had two kids.
Your promise to "destroy" it is no good here.
@Vodkantots: If a guy doesn't return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.
It probably isn't, but it might be.
@Vodkantots: I've learned everything I need to know about stupid people from stupid people.
@Vodkantots: Americans keep saying they want to move to Canada.
As if Canada were even a real place.
@Vodkantots: At this point in my life, my biological clock isn't so much ticking as it is knitting.
@Vodkantots: [on first date]
Him: What's your sign?
Him: You mean Virgo?
Me: I mean your stupid fucking questions are making me dizzy.
@Vodkantots: Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself.
Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.
@Vodkantots: Did you know that you can get kicked out of a gym for using a laser to point out areas people should work on?
Well, you can.