Funny Tweeter

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Page of Vodkantots's best tweets

@Vodkantots : I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

@Vodkantots: A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."

@Vodkantots: Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you're "cool as shit," why is that a compliment?

@Vodkantots: Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@Vodkantots: Listen, guys. I've had two kids.

Your promise to "destroy" it is no good here.

@Vodkantots: If a guy doesn't return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn't, but it might be.

@Vodkantots: I've learned everything I need to know about stupid people from stupid people.

@Vodkantots: Americans keep saying they want to move to Canada.

As if Canada were even a real place.

@Vodkantots: At this point in my life, my biological clock isn't so much ticking as it is knitting.

@Vodkantots: [on first date]

Him: What's your sign?
Me: Vertigo
Him: You mean Virgo?
Me: I mean your stupid fucking questions are making me dizzy.