Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Vodkantots's best tweets

@Vodkantots : Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me? Me: When someone says you're "cool as shit," why is that a compliment?

@Vodkantots: Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@Vodkantots: Listen, guys. I've had two kids.

Your promise to "destroy" it is no good here.

@Vodkantots: If a guy doesn't return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn't, but it might be.

@Vodkantots: I've learned everything I need to know about stupid people from stupid people.

@Vodkantots: Americans keep saying they want to move to Canada.

As if Canada were even a real place.

@Vodkantots: At this point in my life, my biological clock isn't so much ticking as it is knitting.

@Vodkantots: [on first date]

Him: What's your sign?
Me: Vertigo
Him: You mean Virgo?
Me: I mean your stupid fucking questions are making me dizzy.

@Vodkantots: Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself.
Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.

@Vodkantots: Did you know that you can get kicked out of a gym for using a laser to point out areas people should work on?

Well, you can.