Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
You Might Also Like
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Auto correct is my worst enema.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”