In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
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*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Story of my life…..
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
We found love in a hopeless place.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.