Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
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A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!