Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
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GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Swedish for common sense.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.