All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
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Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.