Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
oh u like geography? name every lake
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case