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Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.