He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
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wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?