I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
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Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays