Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
You Might Also Like
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work