perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
You Might Also Like
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
opening twitter today
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?