Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
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[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store