@WeissBrandon: When I see a couple and the women's pregnant. I always walk up and YELL "why don't you tell him who is really the father." and walk away
@WeissBrandon: YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!
~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.
@WeissBrandon: My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!
@WeissBrandon: Oh no sir, that shark wasn't attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.
@WeissBrandon: Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it's clearly a peanut butter and jelly
Wife: did you just call me "waitress"?
@WeissBrandon: I get it short people, I get it.
Oooops sorry typo,
I'll get it short people, I'll get it.
@WeissBrandon: I'd never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
@WeissBrandon: When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.