[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.