i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
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Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
What
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.