My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.