Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
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outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Super Hand Dog Face
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*