My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
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I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Oh. My. God.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.