I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!