Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of WheelTod's best tweets

@WheelTod : [Therapy] Me: What do you mean "boundary issues?" Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don't you put some clothes on & we'll talk?

@WheelTod: I'm the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

@WheelTod: I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

@WheelTod: I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can't follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

@WheelTod: People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read "Debbie Does Dallas?"

@WheelTod: Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

@WheelTod: If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone's happy and not just lazy?

@WheelTod: I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I'm terrible with dates.

@WheelTod: Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

@WheelTod: Virgin Airlines original advertising slogan was "We're so sorry about that but If you give us a chance we swear it will be better next time"