Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WheelTod's best tweets

@WheelTod : [Busy Diner] Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?” Me (highly educated): “In a sense...” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”...Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

@WheelTod: I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

@WheelTod: [First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you're a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That's a typo. It should say I'm a "great listener."

@WheelTod: Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn't real, and it's been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

@WheelTod: [Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

@WheelTod: [Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I'll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So... a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

@WheelTod: One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said "Man. She must be really flexible!" but I told them "No, she has to work most weekends"

@WheelTod: [Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don't make me do something I might regret...”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

@WheelTod: Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they're riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

@WheelTod: In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.