@WheelTod: [On date]
Me: Duck! That's my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said "single dad!"
Me: Exactly. We're a one dad family
@WheelTod: [Couples' Counselling]
Her: If he doesn't stop talking in corporate cliches I'm leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don't downsize our unit!
@WheelTod: Buzzfeed's 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
@WheelTod: BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
@WheelTod: [Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said...
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
@WheelTod: My family's dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
@WheelTod: [Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don't worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn't!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do"
Me *clears throat: "Plethora!"
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
@WheelTod: [Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: "I'm starting to shrivel up like a..."
Pete the Prune: "Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!"