Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WheelTod's best tweets

@WheelTod : [Walking my chihuahua] Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?” Me: “Sure. Go ahead” *Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!” Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

@WheelTod: [Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

@WheelTod: I don't even care if it's a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

@WheelTod: [Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I'll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

@WheelTod: Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

@WheelTod: I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

@WheelTod: "Good parenting isn't giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself" I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

@WheelTod: A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

@WheelTod: [First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don't trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

@WheelTod: [Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”