@WheelTod: *First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
At Russian Embassy:
"Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?"
@WheelTod: I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Him: I don't trust myself round you
Her(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
@WheelTod: People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
@WheelTod: [Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I'd like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I'm sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
@WheelTod: Interviewer: It says on your resume "attention to detail"
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says "attention to detail"
"Where do busboys come from?"
"Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much..."
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we'd be mapping the genome in sequins
@WheelTod: [Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too