Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WheelTod's best tweets

@WheelTod : Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@WheelTod: My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

@WheelTod: I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

@WheelTod: Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

@WheelTod: Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

@WheelTod: Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won't fit anyone else in the kingdom.

@WheelTod: I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says "If you were me, you'd be here now."

@WheelTod: [Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: "There's no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant."

@WheelTod: Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where's that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we'd agreed to consider it done?

@WheelTod: I'd been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.