@WheelTod: I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says "If you were me, you'd be here now."
@WheelTod: [Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: "There's no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant."
@WheelTod: Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done
Boss: Where's that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we'd agreed to consider it done?
@WheelTod: I'd been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
@WheelTod: I don't sweat Friday13. I'm not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
@WheelTod: [On date]
Me: Duck! That's my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said "single dad!"
Me: Exactly. We're a one dad family
@WheelTod: [Couples' Counselling]
Her: If he doesn't stop talking in corporate cliches I'm leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don't downsize our unit!