Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WheelTod's best tweets

@WheelTod : Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won't fit anyone else in the kingdom.

@WheelTod: I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says "If you were me, you'd be here now."

@WheelTod: [Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: "There's no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant."

@WheelTod: Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where's that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we'd agreed to consider it done?

@WheelTod: I'd been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

@WheelTod: Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

@WheelTod: I don't sweat Friday13. I'm not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

@WheelTod: "My door is always open."

-- World's worst submarine commander

@WheelTod: [On date]

Me: Duck! That's my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said "single dad!"

Me: Exactly. We're a one dad family

@WheelTod: [Couples' Counselling]

Her: If he doesn't stop talking in corporate cliches I'm leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don't downsize our unit!