Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WheelTod's best tweets

@WheelTod : "My door is always open." -- World's worst submarine commander

@WheelTod: [On date]

Me: Duck! That's my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said "single dad!"

Me: Exactly. We're a one dad family

@WheelTod: [Couples' Counselling]

Her: If he doesn't stop talking in corporate cliches I'm leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don't downsize our unit!

@WheelTod: Buzzfeed's 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

@WheelTod: BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

@WheelTod: [Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said...

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

@WheelTod: My family's dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

@WheelTod: [Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don't worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn't!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

@WheelTod: [Funeral]

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"

Widow: "Please do"

Me *clears throat: "Plethora!"

Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

@WheelTod: [Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: "I'm starting to shrivel up like a..."

Pete the Prune: "Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!"