Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WheelTod's best tweets

@WheelTod : Batman: Damn! Someone needs me! Date: That's not the bat signal! Batman: Date:You're just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

@WheelTod: *First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
"Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?"

@WheelTod: I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

@WheelTod: [Date]
Him: I don't trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

@WheelTod: People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

@WheelTod: [Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I'd like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I'm sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

@WheelTod: Interviewer: It says on your resume "attention to detail"

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says "attention to detail"

@WheelTod: "Dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"Where do busboys come from?"

"Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much..."

@WheelTod: [Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we'd be mapping the genome in sequins

@WheelTod: [Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too