@WheelTod: Me: "Wanna see something cool?"
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
@WheelTod: Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
@WheelTod: [On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?"
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
@WheelTod: Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
@WheelTod: [Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
@WheelTod: "Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day
@WheelTod: How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
@WheelTod: "SHOW US YOUR TITS!!," I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.
@WheelTod: Hate it when you're getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says "Hey, aren't you the paramedic we called?"