@WheelTod: People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
@WheelTod: [Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I'd like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I'm sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
@WheelTod: Interviewer: It says on your resume "attention to detail"
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says "attention to detail"
"Where do busboys come from?"
"Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much..."
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we'd be mapping the genome in sequins
@WheelTod: [Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
@WheelTod: Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
@WheelTod: I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I'll need to slice open a pocket.
@WheelTod: [First Date]
Paige Turner: I've been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too