Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WheelTod's best tweets

@WheelTod : [Trying to hire a hitman] “Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

@WheelTod: Me: "Wanna see something cool?"

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

@WheelTod: Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

@WheelTod: [On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?"

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

@WheelTod: Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

@WheelTod: [Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

@WheelTod: "Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day

@WheelTod: How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

@WheelTod: "SHOW US YOUR TITS!!," I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.

@WheelTod: Hate it when you're getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says "Hey, aren't you the paramedic we called?"