Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
That’s fair
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.