definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
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Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but