i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I missed you with all my darts
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach