robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes