Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
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Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
wtf is a larm clock?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what