My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
there’s probably a fee though
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie