Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WildeThingy's best tweets

@WildeThingy : Food wedding anniversaries: Year 1: champagne 2: strawberries 3: chocolate 4: donuts 5: protein shakes 6: microwave meal 7: Rat poison

@WildeThingy: Teacher "Hi, why are you here?"
Me "Um, isn't this the beginners' philosophy class?"
Teacher "Yes and you're off to a really bad start."

@WildeThingy: A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said "better put down that phone."

@WildeThingy: Me: so I'm delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you're a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you're delusional.

@WildeThingy: I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

@WildeThingy: Psychiatrist "Tell me about your trust issues."
Me "No"

@WildeThingy: Freddie Mercury: "Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?"
Brian May: um... Fandango?
Freddie: "Perfect!" *snorts another line of coke*

@WildeThingy: [dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption - "woof, woof, woof."
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

@WildeThingy: *Panda walks into shop, "A packet of nuts please."
Assistant: "pandas don't eat nuts."
-"dammit" panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

@WildeThingy: I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they're in.