@WildeThingy: Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
@WildeThingy: Teacher "Hi, why are you here?"
Me "Um, isn't this the beginners' philosophy class?"
Teacher "Yes and you're off to a really bad start."
@WildeThingy: A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said "better put down that phone."
@WildeThingy: Me: so I'm delusional?
Me: and you're a delusion?
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you're delusional.
@WildeThingy: I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
@WildeThingy: Freddie Mercury: "Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?"
Brian May: um... Fandango?
Freddie: "Perfect!" *snorts another line of coke*
@WildeThingy: [dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption - "woof, woof, woof."
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
@WildeThingy: *Panda walks into shop, "A packet of nuts please."
Assistant: "pandas don't eat nuts."
-"dammit" panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.