Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of wildethingy's best tweets

@wildethingy : Her: could things get any worse? Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

@wildethingy: When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

@wildethingy: The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@wildethingy: Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

@WildeThingy: Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don't get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I'm doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

@WildeThingy: Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

@WildeThingy: Teacher "Hi, why are you here?"
Me "Um, isn't this the beginners' philosophy class?"
Teacher "Yes and you're off to a really bad start."

@WildeThingy: A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said "better put down that phone."

@WildeThingy: Me: so I'm delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you're a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you're delusional.

@WildeThingy: I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.