One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
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[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
If a snake ate a cake
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Merry Christmas
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Science memes
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler