My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
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“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
wishing you and yours all the best
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM