Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of WineMummy's best tweets

@WineMummy : Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

@WineMummy: Nothing says you're over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

@WineMummy: Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

@WineMummy: The only reason I'm on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There's one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.

@WineMummy: "DIDN'T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!"

~A parent's memoir.

@WineMummy: Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

@WineMummy: *gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

@WineMummy: The scene from The Exorcist where she's tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it's me when getting a Brazilian.

@WineMummy: Sure laying me down on a "Bed of Roses" sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.