Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@WineMummy : Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
@WineMummy: Nothing says you're over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
@WineMummy: Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
@WineMummy: The only reason I'm on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There's one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.
@WineMummy: "DIDN'T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!"
~A parent's memoir.
@WineMummy: Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
@WineMummy: *gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
@WineMummy: The scene from The Exorcist where she's tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it's me when getting a Brazilian.
@WineMummy: Sure laying me down on a "Bed of Roses" sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.