Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Breakfast for Stoners:
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I finally found a reason to live again.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.