@WittySassBasket: H: this may be difficult, but you're pregnant.
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG'S LIST!
@WittySassBasket: *sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They're magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
@WittySassBasket: Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you'd see the same thing
M: they're right there
C: how high are you?
@WittySassBasket: M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
@WittySassBasket: If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
@WittySassBasket: A funny thing I like to do is yell 'God, not your WHOLE hand' when the doctor does a pelvic exam.