Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of WittySassBasket's best tweets

@WittySassBasket : Doctor: What's that on your shirt? *flashback to shoving powdered donuts in my mouth* Me: uh, cocaine

@WittySassBasket: H: this may be difficult, but you're pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG'S LIST!

@WittySassBasket: *sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They're magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

@WittySassBasket: Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you'd see the same thing
C: ma'am?
M: they're right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

@WittySassBasket: M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

@WittySassBasket: I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I'M IN A GANG NOW.

@WittySassBasket: If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

@WittySassBasket: A funny thing I like to do is yell 'God, not your WHOLE hand' when the doctor does a pelvic exam.