*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
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Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I occasionally drink every single night.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[eulogy]
line?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?