INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.