Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
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inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍