I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Hell yeah 👍