You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”